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January 9, 2009
Complaint Dept.
Mark Lamster
The author and blogger cites Atlantic Yards in a world-record-setting bout of complaining.
The complaint has always been my great metier, the form in which I am a non-pareil master. Last night I became an honest-to-goodness world record holder in my favored idiom. At the behest of my friends with the Universal Record Database, I set the new standard for Most Complaints In 60 Seconds, a feat documented by numerous officials, and witnessed by New York’s daily digest of record. A video of the proceedings will soon be available, but I thought I’d provide a transcript, for your reading pleasure.
I’m tired. I’m hungry. My feet are cold. I’m damp. It’s too dark outside. It’s too dark in here. I left my hat at prêt a manger. I don’t have enough Facebook friends. My eyesight blows. A 5-year contract for AJ Burnett? I’m not rich enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not good looking enough. I don’t have enough work. I have too much work. It’s all underpaid. My book is overdue. My book is not good. Specifically, the footnotes are a disaster. I can’t figure out HTML. I’m a shitty typist. I hate fish. I hate broccoli. I have tempomandibular disorder. I hate it when I burn the roof of my mouth on hot tea. Who drinks tea anyway? Tea is for grandmas and pussies. I hate the gym. I hate the stairmaster at the gym. I hate the guy at the gym who runs on the stairmaster like a gerbil on a habitrail. Our culture sucks. I’m going to miss Top Chef tonight. This is a waste of time. What the fuck am I doing here? Isiah Thomas. Daniel Libeskind is a hack. The plans for Ground Zero suck. Atlantic Yards sucks....
Posted by eric at January 9, 2009 10:24 PM